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Pardi Gras/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and now here's the honouring joe with the rusty jack, your hero, your host, my uncle, red gr-e-e-e-n! (cheers and applause) thank you. Appreciate it. Big, big, big week up at the lodge this week. The possum lake high school music teacher has moved into a smaller house and had to give up his whole tuba collection so, by golly, possum lodge is now the proud owner of 137 tubas. Why would the music teacher, like, give us all those? That's 137 tubas. That's a lot. Well, I think he's trying to improve our health because when you play the tuba, you're a lot more careful about what you eat. I know what we can do with them. I know what we can do with them. I know what we can do with them. You and I, we can learn to play 'em together. That would be great because, you know how you're always looking for something for me and you to do? I am? Well, you know, we never do anything together, so I just assumed you were looking for something, but if you weren't that's okay -- no, no, no, now, wait now. Let's do this... Every time you and I are together, why don't you play the tuba? Yes! Yes! That'd be so great if we could do that because I love that instrument. It's just this beautiful thing. You know, I'll practice really hard, and I'll learn a whole bunch of songs, and when we're together, I'll show you what I've learned. And I'll even learn songs that you like -- that'll be great -- like those military songs that you like so much. They won't sound so obscene when you can't hear the words. That'd be fantastic -- so much fun. I'm really looking forward to this. Yeah, yeah. Me too, harold, 'cause when you're playin' the tuba, you can't talk. Yeah. ôôô here's a few scenes from this episode. Now, I was going to explain things 'cause I think I could explain that, and I might able to explain this, but I'll tell you somethin' folks, I'll never be able to explain that. (really bad tuba playing) harold, you better play a different tune. The bulls over at arnie's are getting kind of excited. Listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this. (bad tuba playing) (coughing) (more bad tuba playing) recognize it? Yeah, the death scene from "moby dick." no! "flight of the bumble bee." flight of fantasy, harold. Don't worry, we'll put you right at the back of the parade. Nobody'll even hear you. What parade? Oh, I didn't tell you. We're gonna have a parade... Yeah, all tubas. Oh, yeah, 137 tubas. We're going to make kind of an annual tourist attraction thing, like mardi gras, only more fun. We're gonna call it "pardi gras." none of us play the tuba. Well, you see, one at a time, that's a problem. But you get 137 playing at once, nobody'll ever know. Boy, there's nothing more frustrating than the cost of something after you've bought it. I bought this car from buster hadfield. Now it's got two flat front tires. Now, I can buy tires, but a new tire is gonna be about 85 bucks. There's two of 'em, that would be -- well over $100 with tax. I only paid 50 bucks for the whole car. Anybody who would spend 100 bucks on a $50 car doesn't belong at possum lodge, they belong in the government. All right, so the first thing you can do is check the trunk. You might have a spare. That'll save you one tire. No. Okay, so this week on handyman corner, I'm going to show you how to make your very own inexpensive tires. First thing you want to do... Clean out your closet. All right, the obvious question is... Why are you hanging on to these clothes? And don't tell me you're saving them to wash your car with them. People with clothes like this don't wash their cars. So throw them away, or donate them to clown college or something. And that leaves you with your footwear. You want to hang on to these because these penny loafers and disco boots are going to become your new tires. All right, the next thing you need is a pretty long piece of four-inch steel pipe, which you can buy or, nine times out of ten, can dig up right in your own backyard... Or somebody's backyard. Now you've got to cut the pipe into 18-inch lengths. There is an easier way around making that many cuts, but it involves you having a stupid friend or a son, and I'm not that lucky. Oh, man. All right. Take your piece of pipe now, and attach that to the rim. That's gonna make a pretty big shoe tire there. What you can do is shorten -- no, I'm not going to -- no, okay. All right. You can just cut out the fender here a little bit, make room for our big shoe tire. Oh, yeah, this'll -- no problem. All right, that's one. Well, the tire took a few hits there. But, you know, you've got to get that tire off the rim anyway, so I must've meant that. All right. All right, now you want to attach the pipes to the rim there. You can weld them on there, but I'll tell you, they got this new glue now that dries instantly, and it's as strong as a weld. Harold, this stuff's crap. All right, now, this is the basic structure of your tire. All that's missing is the shoes. You put the lefts on the left side, rights on the right side. That's all there is to it. I'll tell you the beauty of this system, you can match your footwear to the weather conditions. You've got your rubber boots for the rain, kodiaks for the snow, running shoes when you're in a hurry. I would say hush puppies for normal driving and for special occasions, those fluffy pink slippers. I've got a kind of mix on there, so it's more or less an all-weather tire. Drop her down, and I'm all set to go. And the beauty of it is, if I do have a flat tire, I'm carrying two spares with me, plus all those extra shoes you find along the side of the road for some reason. Maybe I'm not the first one to try this idea. No, no, no, no. I'm probably the first one. All right, so remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta make tracks. Hit my shoe horn. (horn honking) shoe tires, just do it. I want to talk to you older guys out there. You know, there's gonna come a day, one of these days you're gonna go into work, and you're gonna have a new boss. And chances are that boss is gonna be younger than you, maybe a lot younger, maybe younger than your kids, and that can be kind of awkward. You know, there's a bit of adjustment there, 'cause they get these new young guys, they come out of school, and they've got some kind of education, and they feel they gotta make an impression, and they start upsetting the routine, moving the coffee machine, that kind of thing. So here's what to do. Just keep your head down; stay out of the way. Oh, yeah. A couple of years down the road, that young boss'll get married, have kids, get himself a house, and he'll be as frustrated with life as you are, and work'll get right back to normal. So look, don't do anything. It's worked great for you so far. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Ow! (really bad tuba playing) (blowing) try emptying the spit valve there, harold. Oh, yeah, right. (laughter) too bad I've got such a long name. Man, is that a tuba or a scuba? No, no, I left it out in the rain. Scary. Well, things are really coming together, though, for our pardi gras parade, I'll tell you that. You know what, uncle red, I was doing some reading, and mardi gras means fat Tuesday, which already sounds like a lodge event. I think the parade is really going to be something, we're having a nautical theme 'cause you don't have to have a floating boat to make a boating float. And we got costumes, and we got clowns, and we got rubber things to throw at the crowd. You know what else you need? You know what else you need? You know what else you need? You need, like, a figurehead. You know, a figurehead like santa claus, or the easter bunny or spiderman or something like that. And then what you do is, you put him right on the last float right at the end. That way they become the focus of the entire parade. Like the prince of pardi gras kind of thing? Excellent choice. Oh, yeah, you put him, you know, in some kind of a really cool costume, you know, somebody who captures the spirit of pardi gras and, of course, looks good in a sea of tubas. Harold, you're right. You'd be great at that. No, no way. No, I don't wanna because it will be embarrassing. I don't like being embarrassed. Oh, harold, you must. This is kind of a, sort of, antique roadkill show kind of a deal, where lodge members come in and see if they're sitting on the family jewels or just a cheap imitation. Our expert dalton humphrey is gonna tell 'em which one it is. Dalton. Well, thank you, red, and I'm here with mike hamar who is here thanks to the parole board. Thanks dalton. I got this here thing to show you. Yeah, my mom won this in 1966 when she was crowned miss nude america. And this was the first place trophy, was it, mike? Yeah. This cup with the religious inscriptions all over it? Latin engraving of the life of st. Ignatius? Yeah, well, it was donated by the pope. Oh, the pope. Well, not 'the' pope, but, like, a pope, uh-huh. Kinda like an assistant pope. The archbishop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, he donated it to the contest because, you know, he thought the contest was sinful, and he hoped, like, a beautiful religious thing would make everyone reject sin and 'prostate' themselves before their maker and, you know, beg forgiveness, kind of like a heavenly parole hearing. And the archbishop that donated this, do you remember his name? Ah, dave. Dave. Well, now, archbishop dave had excellent taste because this is a lovely silver and gold piece, and it is exactly like the one in st. Michael's church in port asbestos. No kidding. Yes. It's a silver and gold cup that is used to hold holy water, mike; a cup that was originally worth $2,000. That was in 1937, so this is a cup that is worth now perhaps over $50,000. Yes, it's a cup that the good parishioners of the church saved for many, many years to be able to buy. It's a cup that has been at that church and been a source of faith and pride for well over half a century. This is a cup that they would really like to get back! (weeping) mike, mike, you're crying. Yeah. Mike, why are you crying? 'cause I'm gonna be rich. I was a little late arriving for my adventure with bill this week. Anyway, okay, he's good. How you doing bill? What's going on today? Bill's got a bit of a carnival planned, I heard. I thought only women had darts in their clothes. All right. I can throw a dart. Oh, my gosh, used to do this down at the old sideshow there, my mom used to work there. There you go, three for three. Give it a try bill. Are they sharp darts, bill? I don't think so. No, try another one. Oh, boy! Oh! Oh, my gosh. I don't know what that was. All right, the old wooden milk bottles. This is a lot of fun. Take a softball and fire them at the milk bottles, and they all come crashing down. Not bad. That's half a prize. You have a go, bill. I guess those were real -- well, what else we got? Got any more events there, bill? Oh, oh, I know what this is. This is the strong man and the hammer and -- sledge hammer. See you in a minute. I don't know about bill and ladders. I don't think he understands the concept. He's got a little ring there. He's got that welded on there, and it sits on the 4x4, and when you slam on the end of the 4x4, the chain rushes up the pole... Well, you figure it out! Okay, give 'er a go. Want me to try? Oh, yeah, look at that. I want a bit of that again. That was fun. Look out, bill. I'm gonna do it again. I'm goin' again. Bill, I'm goin' again. All right. All right. You go. You go. Okay. Okay. Okay. A-w-w-w, that's too bad. He doesn't have the sort of arm strength. That's a shame. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh! Ow! Geesh! Okay. No, I'm fine. That's fine. That's good. It's good. Okay, bill, give it a try. I'll stand back a bit. My gosh, look at this. He's going for it. He's going for it. Look at that, and he's got it. What prize have we got for him? Oh, a mirror. Oh, what a fun day. A-a-a-h! (tuba playing) (applause) thank you very much. (tuba continues playing) hey, hey, hey! Ow! Kind of an odd echo in this part of the lodge. Anyway, things are really comin' together with our pardi gras parade thing. We got our figurehead. Got our pamplemousse, the prince of the pardi gras parade. Come on, pamplemousse. Come on in. Harold: No! Come on, pamplemousse. Harold: No! Come on, everyone loves a pamplemousse come on. Come on. Here we go. (cheers and applause) give 'em the speech. Give 'em the speech. Say it. Say it. Say it. I am proud to wear the ceremonial costume of the great pamplemousse, protector of all pardi grassers. Very good. Very good. Now, harold, the way I understand the legend, to wear a ceremonial garb like that, you have to be a virgin. You may be overqualified. Don't worry about it. I'll be okay. It's all right. I'm guessing you'll be able to wear that for the rest of your life. Anyway, I got my horn, I got my pamplemousse, and I'm ready to rock. Let's go, harold. I forgot to go to the bathroom before I put the costume on. Oh, harold, harold, harold, there's 137 tubas, you'll think of somethin'. This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "if it ain't broke, you're not trying." buzz sherwood is here with something for us to fix. Whoa!! Red, man, whoa! You know, buzz, I didn't hear your plane land here. Did you drive to the lodge today? No, man, I flew, but I had to land without the propeller 'cause I ran out of gas, right? Yeah, so I had to um -- what's that when you land the plane without the propeller? I do it all the time. Glide? Crash! So, right, I got you a toaster here 'cause, like, it's stuck. You got some bread stuck in there? Oh, man, all my bread's in there. What the heck is that in there? My wallet. All my bread's in there, man. I mean, I can't even go out and buy a new toaster. All right, well, let's plug her in. Cool. How did you get your wallet stuck in the toaster, buzz? I have no idea. All right. You know, sometimes with these older toasters there's a little adjustment you can make -- no, that's right. It's the other side. Whoa, flashbacks! (laughter and applause) yeah. You know, buzz, sometimes in life, you have to make a choice. Sure, sure. You can have the toaster, or you can have the wallet. You can't have both. Wallet. Good choice. Oh, man, my wallet. It's -- it's -- it's toast. All right. I hate to be a pardi gras pooper, but that was bad. How ironic that mardi gras is pancake day, and harold was the one to get pancaked. Let me start by saying it's very easy to underestimate the steepness of a hill. And, in fairness, floats were never made to reach those kinds of speeds. Now, luckily the impact didn't hurt harold because, of course, he was airborne by then. And I think if I had had a little more time to think, I could've caught him rather than just shield myself with my tuba like that. This was all I could save. I tell you, it broke my heart to see harold all wrapped up in that tuba, somersaulting down the main street like that. And I never really meant to hurt him. This is a sad, sad day. (applause) I'm so sorry, harold. You?! It's all right. I forgive you. Really? Yeah. You know, that takes a lot of brass. Just a warning... Don't open my spit valve. Harold, I think it's only right that you have this. Thank you. Okay. (possum call) was that me? No, no, no. It was the meeting. Oh, it's meeting time? You go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a minute, all right? Okay. Are you all right there? We'll know more tomorrow. (sour tuba note) that was me. (applause) if my wife is watching, I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. I'm gonna be bringing harold home. If we can't cure him, at least we can get him tuned. To the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Okay, here he comes! Take your seats. Here he comes. All rise! Everyone: Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Harold: Okay, we just got the one announcement this week. Um, buster hadfield's dog has run away again. It's the 47th time this year, there's no description available. Buster says the dog's run away so many times, he's forgotten what it looks like from the front. It's funny how people get to resemble their pets, isn't it? Oh, I thought I'd found him.